I'm really not that busy

Finding hilarity in the mundane since 2008

Monthly Archives: July 2013

Can you take back a tip?

I’m in Little Rock for a few days while my dad recovers from surgery. Today I spent all day at the hospital. I was exhausted and ravenous by the time I got back to my hotel.

At the hotel, there’s a small bar with limited liquor stock and slightly better than average bar food, so I decided to have a drink and something from the bar menu rather than spend one more minute on my feet.

I ordered a Grey Goose & tonic and a flatbread appetizer with tomatoes and cheese. The bartender asked if I would be having an entree as well, and I told him no. As I knew I wasn’t going to be having more than that, I paid the tab at that time and included a 20% tip.

The drink was not very strong, but perfectly fine. The flatbread was really good.  Approximately 6×8 in size, thin crust that was crispy without being too cracker-like, nice fresh tomato slices, and a very light sprinkle of mozzarella and grated parmesan.

When I finished, the bartender came by to get my plate and said, “Wow, that was a really big portion. I can’t believe you ate it all. Most girls share that.” I was so stunned that he ALMOST got away with it. Almost. As he turned to go, I said, “Excuse me, I need to speak with you.”

Completely clueless, he turned around with a smile and asked if I needed another drink. I replied, “I don’t need a drink, but you need a lesson in math and one in customer service. Which would you like first?”

His eyes got big and he said, “Uh, I guess the math.”

I was hoping that’s what he would say. Here’s how the lesson went:

Me: How many slices of delivery pizza do you think a “girl” should eat.

Idiot: (Turning red.) Two?

Me: Okay, that’s a reasonable amount. Would you say the crust on the flatbread is greater than or less than the crust on two slices of delivery pizza?

Idiot: Less

Me: Would you say the amount of tomatoes on the flatbread is greater than or less than the sauce on two slices of delivery pizza?

Idiot: Less

Me: Would you say the amount of cheese on the flatbread is greater than or less than the cheese on two slices of delivery pizza?

Idiot: Much less.

Me: So, you agree that I just ate an amount of food that is less than two slices of delivery pizza, which by your admission, is a reasonable amount of food for me to consume as a meal?

Idiot: (FInally really getting the lesson, but not smart enough to admit defeat.) Yes, but that was an appetizer, not an entree.

Me: Do you recall me clarifying that one drink and the appetizer would be my entire meal?

Idiot: (Quietly) Yes, ma’am.

Me: Now we’re getting somewhere. Would you like to say anything else?

Idiot: I’m really sorry.

Me: Yes, you are. You’re dismissed

Business man sitting at the bar who watched this whole exchange: You devastated that guy and you never swore or raised your voice. He will never forget that math lesson.

Then he gave me knuckles.

%d bloggers like this: