I'm really not that busy

Finding hilarity in the mundane since 2008

Monthly Archives: March 2010

On the next American Idol

I just watched the American Idol results show.  Typically, I fast forward through most of it unless I like the guest performers. However, I caught myself rewinding and listening to Ryan and Simon.  Ryan was seriously hostile toward Simon.  In turn, Simon was even more condescending and dismissive of Ryan than usual.  Tonight was more than the bickering of two people with polar opposite personalities.  It was like watching married strangers fight right in front of you, awkward and uncomfortable, yet compelling all the same.

Here’s my theory on the cause for increasing discord between Ryan and Simon and where it’s going…

Ryan is gay, Simon is bi, and they had an affair.  Now Simon has chosen to be with a woman.  Ryan, feeling scorned, is taking on air shots at Simon every chance he gets.  Simon is getting tired of the drama and this makes him increasingly cranky with the contestants, other judges, and Ryan.  Simon’s extra acerbic comments finally make Ryan snap and he slaps Simon on air.  Simon rips some gigantic piece of jewelry off Kara and takes a stab at Ryan.  Randy passes out because dawg is squeamish.  Ellen tries to calm everyone down by telling them how nice they look.  Finally Kara sees her chance and jumps on stage screaming “LOOK AT ME!  I’M THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL! I’M ON STAGE NOW AND I’M NEVER LEAVING!”  Cut to Ford commercial.

Please me go to Target

Cooper has a little cold.  Nothing major.  Just buckets and buckets of mucus.  I totally jinxed myself with the snot post the other day.

Because of the cold, we stayed home.  Several times Cooper asked, “Where me going today?” and “Please me go to Target?”.  I replied we were staying home because he had a cold.  At one point he yelled at me, “I NOT COLD!  I GO TO TARGET!”  I would have laughed if it hadn’t been shrieked in a manner that made all the dogs in our neighborhood howl.

Today was just a 13-hour battle of wills.  I think the final score was Cooper 336, Mama 6.  Finally, after saying no or some variation of no 342 times, it was bedtime.  As I cuddled him on the couch and started the bedtime wind down routine, he looked up at me and said, “I have a hard day.”

Cooper, here’s hoping tomorrow is snotless and includes a trip to Target.

In one ear and lost in the abyss forever

Tony and I are gently dipping our lethargic, winter-white pinkie toes back into the housing market.  We bought our current home in 2004.  It met our modest needs until a year ago.  Suddenly, we were bursting at the seams and no amount of purging or organization can correct the problem.

So today after school we took the boys to look at two houses in a neighborhood we like.  On the way, I explained to Jack we were not purchasing the furniture in these houses, paint and wallpaper can be changed, and all comments were to be saved for later in the car.

Yeah, that didn’t work out so well.  I think he saved most comments for out of earshot, but he did tell one homeowner he didn’t like the yellow part of her house. She took it well, but I was mortified and quickly led him away.  Mainly because I had mentioned that I didn’t like the yellow and I was fairly certain that information was coming out of his mouth next.

Is the Census only for psychics?

We got our 2010 Census form in the mail a few minutes ago.  Because I am a dutiful citizen, great test-taker, really not that busy, and all around giant nerd, I began to fill it out immediately.  However, the first question was a bit of a stumper for me.  Maybe you guys can help me out.  Here’s the question.

How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, or mobile home on April 1, 2010?

Ummmm, today is March 15th, 2010.

Maybe I got the special Census for time-travelers?

Snot gonna happen

This morning Cooper and I went into school with Jack.  Cooper had a snack, a drink, and the adoration of several big kids.  He was in hog heaven.

Then, all of the sudden, he wasn’t.  He threw his biggest tantrum to date.  I refused to buy him Skittles at 8:15 a.m. and he flipped.  It took me fifteen minutes to get him out of the building because was so insane.  He’s a tiny thing, but every inch is muscle.  Snot filled muscle.  He was screaming and kicking and clear snot peppered with little green boogers was pouring out of his nose.  I didn’t care that you could hear him shrieking “SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIITLES!” all over the school.  All I could think was, “I gotta get to the tissues before I barf.”  Lord I hate snot.

Pee?  Is that all you got?

Poop? I could do a one-handed diaper change while applying mascara.

Diarrhea?  Out the diaper?  Up the back?  All over the couch? Yawn.

Vomit?  Smooth or chunky?  Whatever.

I’m a mama, my gag reflex gave up years ago.

But snot?  That’s where my skills forsake me.  I can deal with my own kids’ noses pretty well, but I have to leave the room if another kid has snot and don’t even get me started on boogers.  I remember every unpleasant snot/booger related incident I’ve ever had.  I would share a few with you, some are pretty funny, but I almost threw up just thinking about them.  Really.

The baby shower

This afternoon I took the boys to a baby shower for Tony’s cousin, Lindsey.  On the way, I said, “The baby’s name is going to be Landry Elise, isn’t that pretty?” Jack replied, “That sounds a lot like Larry or laundry.”  I asked him not to share that opinion at the party.

When we arrived, Cooper began asking to see the baby.  So I took him to Lindsey, pointed to her tummy, and explained the baby was still in her mama.  He said, “Well get her out.”  I said, “Oh look, cupcakes!”  and led him away before he did something horrifying like lift up Lindsey’s shirt and poke her belly.  Throughout the party he incessantly asked if the baby had come out of her mama yet.  I repeatedly explained it would be a few more weeks before she was ready to come out of her mama’s tummy.

On the way home I asked the boys if they had fun.  Jack said he liked the food and playing on the stairs.  Cooper said, “Why did that girl eat her baby?”

Flight of thought, Cooper style

Here’s a conversation Cooper and I had Friday morning.  We had just dropped Jack at school and Cooper said what he says at this time every morning, “Where me going?”

Me:  “Right now we’re just going to the dry cleaners and the bank.”

Cooper: “I no like giraffes.”

Me: “Okay, good thing the bank gives out suckers instead of zoo animals.”

Cooper: “I want Jack to wear his blue shirt.”

Me: “The one he wore last night?”

Cooper: “I no like those lime popsicles.  They’re too limey.”

Me: “I know you don’t like the lime ones.  We have plenty other popsicle flavors at home.”

Cooper: “I’m gonna be five.”

Me: “Huh? On your birthday? No, you’re going to be three.”

Cooper: “I’m going to be Super Bunny.”

Me: “Sure.” (This is where I realized I was only contributing the back and forth structure of the conversation.  What I said didn’t matter.)

Cooper: “I play hockey?”

Me: “Cows are orange.”

Cooper: “My Tifany goes to Whole Foods and mini-golf.”

Me: “I like pie.”

Cooper: “The kitty goes in my closet and no get away again.”

Me: “Veracity papers.”

Cooper: “I play sword fight?”

Me: “Inky fingers make twitchy partners.”

Cooper: “I get a blue sucker.”

Me: “Homogenized light bulbs grow in the front yard.”

Cooper: “NO!”

Me: “Oh, I thought we were still playing.”

Cooper: “Where’s my sucker?”

Me: *sigh*

It’s just me

Okay, so now I’m worried that posting my fresh hair-do pictures means I’m vain.  Seriously, I’m not.  The deal is this, I get my hair done every six weeks on Wednesdays because Cooper is with Grandpa.  Tony is rarely home on Wednesdays, so he never gets to see me at my best.  In fact, he usually sees me when I haven’t showered in at least 24 hrs.  I spend a lot more time looking like this and I’m not afraid to post it either.

Oh, I love the background change from this afternoon’s picture to tonight’s.  One more book on the bedside table plus a beer.  Books, beer, bare-face.  This is me.

Obliviousness is in the eye of the beholder, or is it? I’m confused.

Tony told me he always knows when I get my hair done because I take my picture and put it on the blog.  I think he might have been making a point about attention-seeking.  Um, babe, I invite people into my head via this blog, I kinda already knew about the attention-seeking thing.

However, what I took away from the conversation was that he wouldn’t notice my hair if I didn’t post the occasional photo.  So here, Tony, I got my hair did.  Complements are not required, but always a good idea.

Library = Fail

I ended up taking Cooper to the library yesterday.  Not just any library though, the big, new, beautiful library in Fayetteville.  Cooper worked puzzles, played on the computer, sat with me and read books, and even attempted to sit through preschool story time.  He lasted through the warm up game and three pages of the first story before he looked up at me and said, “I done now.  Lets go back out.”

Then he saw a DVD with a whale on the cover and began to hug and kiss it.  Cooper likes whales. A lot.  We went to San Diego last summer and he still talks about “Shampoo Whale” (Shamu).

I told him we could borrow the whale movie and bring it back next week.  Of course I said it in that annoying, sweetly exaggerated,  sing-song mommy voice we all use when we want to be sure our toddlers understand what we are saying.  What up with that, mommies?  Do we think our childrens’ heads are going to spin off with rage if we speak normally to them?  What would have happened if I had said, “We can take the whale movie home, watch it 70 times between now and next Tuesday, then I will pry it from your fingers and drop it in the return box while you scream, got it?”  I think he would have replied, “Of course, Mother, that sounds like a fine plan.  Let us make haste so I can begin forming an unnatural attachment to this movie which is so old it is unavailable for purchase.  By the way, I plan to harbor deep emotional scars and resentment when you give back my Shampoo movie.”

Aaaaaaanyway, we proceeded to check out, but I got a “see librarian at desk” message when I swiped my card.  I know they like to update your info frequently, so I figured they wanted to confirm my address and stuff.  I handed my card to the librarian, she swiped it and said, “Has any of your contact information changed in the past year?”  I replied, “No.”  Then she said, “Do you want to pay the entire $30 today?”

Um, duh, huh?

Turns out I had a $30 fine.

I paid it and we headed home, Cooper happily hugging his shampoo movie the entire way.

I fixed his lunch, popped in the movie and four minutes later he said, “I no like this. Let’s watch Little Bear.”

Oh sh*t!

I’ve been wanting to get an idea of how much I spend on unnecessary items.  A while back I decided that March would be I’m-not-buying-it month.  I chose March because there are no holidays or birthdays.  Today is March 2nd and I already hate it.  How the fuck am I supposed to entertain Cooper every day for a month without spending extra money?  I also woke up out of a dead sleep last night with this thought galloping through my brain – SPRING BREAK!

I’m a semi-unreliable person already.  I don’t have the greatest track record for follow through, but I really thought I could do this. I’m going to stick to it this week, but I don’t see how I’ll survive spring break without a trip to Target and an afternoon at a kiddie entertainment facility.

Suggestions would be appreciated.

Ham

Today is crazy hair day at school, so Jack wanted spiky green hair.  I had no problem with this, except the boys had dentist appointments at 9:00.  I had to decide if Jack would go to the dentist with crazy hair, or if I would be spiking and coloring hair in the school parking lot.  I opted for crazy hair at the dentist.  Then I told Jack we were going to play it straight and not explain his hair unless someone asked a direct question about it.

He did great.  He didn’t blush when people stared.  He didn’t even crack a smile when a little girl yelled, “Mommy, look at that boy’s hair!”

After his check up, he got to choose a prize.  He picked a fake mustache and immediately wanted to wear it.  I thought it was a clever choice for crazy hair day.

I had to run to the post office before dropping him at school.  So Cooper, Jack, and I troop into the post office.  Cooper is still furiously screaming because of the dental check up, and Jack is sporting green hair and a mustache.  As we walk in, I remind Jack to play it straight.  He was awesome!

The guy behind the counter had a mustache.  He looked at Jack and said, “Nice ‘stache.”  Jack replied, “Thanks, you too.”

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