Urine for a treat
February 22, 2010
Posted by on
Hi, friends. I’ve been away so long I can’t decide where to begin. I guess it’s time for a bullet point update to get the ball rolling.
- I went to the ER at 3 a.m. on February 1st. Kidney stone. I have only stone related bullets at this time, hence the post title.
- Ten days later, I followed up with a urologist and found out I’m “a stone former”. When he announced this, I immediately said the first thing that popped into my head, “Wow, I’d rather be a former Stone. How cool would it be to know Mick Jagger?” Dude didn’t even crack a smile. Let me drop a little hint to certain members of the medical profession. If you work with body parts or fluids that would make a ten-year-old laugh, get a freakin’ sense of humor. Oncologist = serious. Proctologist = Bozo the Clown.
- A thirty-six year old female is an oddity in the urology waiting room. I was by far the only person of childbearing age and gender in the place. I didn’t really notice until the lady next to me patted my hand and told me I was a nice girl to bring her grandfather to the doctor. I felt so good about being a nice girl that I didn’t tell her I had no clue who the octogenarian next to me was.
- Doctors are annoyingly curious about adoptees. When people learn I’m adopted they almost always say “Are you interested in finding your family?” My standard answer is, “I’d like to know if I have siblings and a little medical history would be nice, but I’m not planning to seek anything out.” Nine out of ten people drop the subject at this. However, doctors always prod, so I have to move on to statement number two, “Look, I have a great family and I don’t think I’ll find something better, so why subject myself to the drama?” Nine out of ten doctors drop it at this point. Not my urologist. He actually said, “Yeah, but what if your parents loved you, but circumstances forced them to give you up so you could have a better life?” I was taken aback. I blinked at him for a second and said, “Do you watch a lot of Lifetime movies?” He let it drop.
- I never passed my large stone, so I was unable to fish it out of my urine and tote it to the lab for analysis. Color me disappointed.
- Because I never passed the stone, I got to do a 24-hour urine study instead. This is not a preferable alternative to fishing a pebble out of your toilet. I had to collect my pee in a large jug all day. I also had to keep the jug refrigerated. Um, gross.
- Each time I walked through the house holding a cup of urine to add to the “pee jug”, as we affectionately dubbed it, I made jokes about fresh squeezed lemonade. I finally cut out the jokes when Jack said, “Mama, it’s not funny anymore, it’s just disturbing.” Ouch.
- I chose to keep the pee jug in the drink fridge. Currently, the only thing in the drink fridge is bottled beer. It seemed better to store a liter and a half of urine next to the Sam Adams Light rather than the milk and eggs.
- At one point, Cooper was checking out the drink fridge to see if any new juice boxes had materialized. Jack was in the kitchen with him and I was in the living room. Here’s the conversation I overheard:
C: ” What’s that?”
J: “A jug of Mama’s pee.”
C: ” What’s that?”
J: “A beer.”
C: “What are those?”
J: “Lots of beers.”
C: “I no wanna drink Mama’s pee.”