Seriously. He looks like a taller version of that guy. But it was his craptastic attitude that sealed it. I could totally imaging him grilling me about cigarettes and then saying “Do you want to do my job? Do you want to just deliver that mail yourself. Should I leave?”
Its after school so both kids are with me. Huck is carrying the package to be mailed because I am carrying Worm. I get up to the window and put Worm on the counter. Post office guy gives me the I-don’t-think-so one eyebrow raise thing (that I am seriously jealous of because I can’t do it), so I put Worm on the floor. I turn to get the package from Huck and he is all the way across the room. I yell “bring it to me, please.” He brings me Mickey Mouse postcards. I bite back the sarcastic thing I want to say and instead ask for the package in the nicest mommy voice I can muster.
I am now ready to deal with the guy. I turn to him and he says in a very snotty voice “I said, do you have something to mail?” Now I bite back three sarcastic things I want to say (like: If I had heard you the first time don’t you think I would have answered? or: No, I love bringing my children to the post office, can we just stand here a minute? or my favorite: I bought those stamps that you make online with your kid’s photo on them. However, they aren’t all that photogenic and the stamps turned out ugly. Can I get my money back?). Instead I just hand him the package.
While he is weighing it I accidentally pull some mini Three Musketeers from my coat pocket. I was going to give them to Huck & Worm in the car for good behavior. But they have been in my pocket too long and are all melty. I can’t give this to Worm, it will be a chocolate covered nightmare. Too late, he saw them and is now saying CANDY CANDY CANDY.
I calmly tell him no. He begins to cry and yell CANDY CANDY CANDY. Post office office guy gives me another dirty look. I am tempted to give Worm the melty candy, put him back on the counter and say “Watch him for a minute while I go peruse the postcards with my older son.”
Next, post office guy says: “I suppose you want to mail this as cheaply as possible.” Really? Like you couldn’t have found a more polite way to phrase that? Its not like you get a commission off your sales you bitter little civil servant man. I explain that its a CANDY CANDY CANDY birthday gift and I would like it there by CANDY CANDY CANDY Friday. He actually perks up at this because that means I will not be mailing it “as cheaply as possible” Whatever, dude.
It is now time to pay and I swipe my debit card. Post office guy asks debit or credit. I say debit, but he cannot hear me over the CANDY CANDY CANDY. So he asks again in a really slow way like I am mentally challenged “Deeeh-bit or Creeeh-dit?”
Finally my transaction is complete. I round up the boys and as I am walking out the door I turn and look back at him. He is looking right at me and I think I can actually read his thoughts. I am pretty sure he was thinking: Wow, I hope she comes back soon, she was hot.
But I did turn back to look at him and for some bizarre reason he smiles a genuine smile and waves. Whatever, dude.