I'm really not that busy

Finding hilarity in the mundane since 2008

Can you take back a tip?

I’m in Little Rock for a few days while my dad recovers from surgery. Today I spent all day at the hospital. I was exhausted and ravenous by the time I got back to my hotel.

At the hotel, there’s a small bar with limited liquor stock and slightly better than average bar food, so I decided to have a drink and something from the bar menu rather than spend one more minute on my feet.

I ordered a Grey Goose & tonic and a flatbread appetizer with tomatoes and cheese. The bartender asked if I would be having an entree as well, and I told him no. As I knew I wasn’t going to be having more than that, I paid the tab at that time and included a 20% tip.

The drink was not very strong, but perfectly fine. The flatbread was really good.  Approximately 6×8 in size, thin crust that was crispy without being too cracker-like, nice fresh tomato slices, and a very light sprinkle of mozzarella and grated parmesan.

When I finished, the bartender came by to get my plate and said, “Wow, that was a really big portion. I can’t believe you ate it all. Most girls share that.” I was so stunned that he ALMOST got away with it. Almost. As he turned to go, I said, “Excuse me, I need to speak with you.”

Completely clueless, he turned around with a smile and asked if I needed another drink. I replied, “I don’t need a drink, but you need a lesson in math and one in customer service. Which would you like first?”

His eyes got big and he said, “Uh, I guess the math.”

I was hoping that’s what he would say. Here’s how the lesson went:

Me: How many slices of delivery pizza do you think a “girl” should eat.

Idiot: (Turning red.) Two?

Me: Okay, that’s a reasonable amount. Would you say the crust on the flatbread is greater than or less than the crust on two slices of delivery pizza?

Idiot: Less

Me: Would you say the amount of tomatoes on the flatbread is greater than or less than the sauce on two slices of delivery pizza?

Idiot: Less

Me: Would you say the amount of cheese on the flatbread is greater than or less than the cheese on two slices of delivery pizza?

Idiot: Much less.

Me: So, you agree that I just ate an amount of food that is less than two slices of delivery pizza, which by your admission, is a reasonable amount of food for me to consume as a meal?

Idiot: (FInally really getting the lesson, but not smart enough to admit defeat.) Yes, but that was an appetizer, not an entree.

Me: Do you recall me clarifying that one drink and the appetizer would be my entire meal?

Idiot: (Quietly) Yes, ma’am.

Me: Now we’re getting somewhere. Would you like to say anything else?

Idiot: I’m really sorry.

Me: Yes, you are. You’re dismissed

Business man sitting at the bar who watched this whole exchange: You devastated that guy and you never swore or raised your voice. He will never forget that math lesson.

Then he gave me knuckles.

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One response to “Can you take back a tip?

  1. Lillian Beverly Florida July 26, 2013 at 8:28 am

    Hi Jennifer,
    I’m your dads friend and banker, I had not gotten the update on any surgery, If I can be of any help, please let me know. I am located at our Highway 10 branch, 15901 Cantrell, just 2 blocks west of Good Earth Nurseries. My phone #’s are 222-0800, or my cell # 766-5169. Please tell John I will be thinking about him, and let me know if I can do anything for him. What Hospital is he in? And room #. IF I can help you with anything over the weekend, please do not hesitate to call me on my cell. Our bank is not open on the weekend. You both will be in my prayers.

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